he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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