i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize