Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
