i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
