matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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