it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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