i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pants are for mortals
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
