I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
