Just fell off a train. Bad.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
