So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
