put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
