here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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