Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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