hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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