You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
