apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was confusing and full of hummus
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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