i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
