M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
