U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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