So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
