franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
