I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
