My nipple is on Facebook.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
