you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
