I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
