What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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