I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize