am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
