Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
