I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
