I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm passing your future prison.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
