My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
