There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
