Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We have so much sex to catch up on
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
