We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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