At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
