i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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