That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
