He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
