I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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