new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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