my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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