When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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