He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
