i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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