If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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