I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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