I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
