i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I hate all girls vehemently.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize