I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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