I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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