My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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