he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
