i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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