i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
