I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
