Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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