Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
