How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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