May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
